Some people call them ambitions, but it’s not quite the same thing. Usually you work toward ambitions; I consider dreams to be more of the sort that, at least for now, are not in your power to procure. At the age of 6, to be an astronaut is a dream...at the age of 26, entering space school (or wherever it is you go to become an astronaut), to be an astronaut is an ambition. A dream can be impossible (time traveling to medieval days), or it might be possible but not in your hands (meeting a favorite actor). The level of possibility is not really a factor, although it is terribly frustrating to have a very possible dream hang just out of your reach....
I have both sorts. In the first category, I dream of being a singer. Yes, I daydream about this often. Not because I want the fame or the money (although money can pay off loans and is therefore always good) but because I like singing and I wish I could do it all the time on big stages with good acoustics and accompaniment. But for a variety of reasons, that dream is not a possible one. I don’t mind very much. It’s just fun to think about. The second sort, the possible ones, really drive me crazy because I want them so very much and I am
Time to Create
I have a bit of a complex where, if I’m not creating something, I don’t feel like I’m doing anything productive. It’s weird, I know, because there are actually times that I feel rather wasteful reading a book or watching a movie since there is no direct product, as there is with drawing, writing, or cooking. (This is the primary reason why I haven’t yet caught up with LOST.) I like to read these blogs by women who do awesome creative things all day, by lack of office jobs. I don’t think I’ll ever really be an office person--that’s where I am now, and I’m not complaining, it’s a great office job. But what I wouldn’t give to spend 100% of my time fixing up my very own house/apartment just the way I want it, cooking and baking amazing new foods, drawing, writing and promoting Three of Swords, learning to crochet/play guitar/garden, and doing some kind of art-related work remotely for money. Just the sheer time to do all those things would give me a lot of pleasure.
Having My Own
That brings me to my next dream. The economy is still so nasty in terms of living expenses, especially in New York, one of the most overrated places to live. Where else can you get a stupid roach-infested, sour-smelling one-bedroom apartment above a bodega for upwards of $1,000/month just because Williamsburg is suddenly trendy? (I grew up thinking of Williamsburg as this unpleasant, smelly sort of place where my grandmother lived in the projects...suffice to say it’s colored my view a bit.) Since I am not rich nor do I fancy starving, I live at home. And I am really blessed to have a mother and siblings that are great to live with (I don’t fancy living alone or with strangers, either). But there’s one snag, and that is that it ain’t MY house. I can’t paint the rooms whatever color I want. I can’t decide what everyone’s having for dinner every day, and I can’t run things how I see fit because there are several other competent adults with just as much pull as I have. I even want my own dishes, and teapot, and drinking glasses, and furniture, that I decided should be there and I decide what to do with.
I am a control freak, I think? ...No! This blog is for happy thoughts only! Moving on!
This is a very big dream. In fact it’s a dweam within a dweam--like Inception but with a speech impediment, you know? (For someone who just claimed to feel guilty watching movies instead of making stuff, I reference them a lot. Fact is, I often ignore that guilty feeling.) Mawwaige--excuse me, marriage--is certainly something you can’t predict, since it involves love and I hear that’s a pretty tough one to nail down. Oh, and I’m not really talking about the wedding--although of course I have my considerations (honeymoon, music and food expense trumps my dress I’m only going to wear one day--Caramelldansen will definitely be played at the reception--no lilies anywhere to be found) but about the whole being married deal. I’ve seen lots of my friends starting out and it seems like something I’d be into. And yes, I’ve heard the bit about it’s work! Hard work! And tears! And doooom! and you know, I’ve had some pretty rough breaks...I think I can handle it, thanks. You don’t get through senior portfolio year at SVA and come out a wuss who can’t handle an institution that’s been around forever. What’s the real challenge is wondering when/if this show will get on the road!
I had to put an S at the end of that. I had to. It was just begging for that S. Naturally this comes after that last one...I’m a firm believer in order. Some of my same married friends are having babies! And I’d never experienced the baby-wanting before, though I was a rather accomplished babysitter and kids tend to like me. But like a year ago, I saw some baby things, and I thought, You know, if I had me one of those, I’d put them in this, and I’d teach them this and feed them that, and that other thing that no one wants their kids to eat? I’d let them eat it in moderation. And if they did that thing I just saw that kid do, I’d...well, mine wouldn’t do that, because by age 8 they really should be keeping their clothes on. And so on so forth. Fun stuff. Unfortunately I hear you cannot purchase children at Babies ‘R’ Us, so this remains in the realm of future possibilities.
Yes, my dreams are awfully domestic. That’s okay. So are fuzzy socks, pillows, and tea, and everyone likes those.